Demons I Left Behind: Smoking

This picture was taken in the middle of the street I live on...but it's not from today.  Today's trip out  was rainy, dark gray, and later than usual.  I was so bundled up that it was awkward to pull out my phone from my little shoulder bag that I take with me every time, so I didn't get a new snap shot of my path today.  

It was actually raining pretty good before I made it back home but I was glad I went anyways.  I've been bound and determined to keep my promise and walk two miles for six days of every week.  It is starting to feel too easy and I want to crank up the mileage before February.

While I was walking, I couldn't help but feel grateful that I quit smoking seven years ago.  I feel like that lady who used to wake up, grab a creamy cup of coffee, and step outside to have a cigarette had to have been someone else.  I remember that lady used to sit on the patio swing and light up a Marlboro and wait until the dizziness hit...and then left.  It was a morning ritual.  She knew that blood wasn't flowing to her head properly and that cigarettes were going to kill her.  Nothing about those smelly, hot, rolled up papers was even satisfying.  It was all about sucking up burnt air in order to avoid having her skin crawl with withdrawal...over and over and over.  Her anger about paying some tobacco company $4.00 a day to kill her wasn't enough to get her to stop.  It wasn't until an episode of unpleasant pneumonia that she finally found the courage to quit.  After smoking for forty years, she promised herself that if there weren't any blotchy cancer spots on her X-ray at her follow up doctor's appointment, she would quit while she could.  She wasn't optimistic: her father and all of his brothers had died from lung cancer already.  

I can't believe the woman who waited so long to save herself was me.  

I have to forgive myself for all of the potential damage that I inflicted on my body...and I do.  But I was angry at myself for a long time.  I knew I had been weak.  Now that I am stronger I will just have to find a way to be kinder to myself about it.  I also have learned not to postpone doing the things I need to do to help my body thrive, to stop bad habits, and latch on to healthy ones...now, not tomorrow.  There will never be a day that is better or easier for quitting bad habits so I remind myself that I might as well just get started and get it done.   I don't know how many times I could forgive myself.  I know I have to die someday, but I really don't want it to be my own damned fault.  So I'm glad I quit.  

That wet, grey air I pulled in today felt so cold and clean.  It really feels nice to fill my lungs and know that I saved my ass, probably just in time.